The Rant Archives. This was where it all started.

Hello, and welcome to Tollsa.

For some reason, the higher up’s in Tollsa are obsessed with Toll roads. I mean wow, how many tolls do we have to have? As far as I know, you cannot get into Tulsa from out of town with out paying a toll. I know, if I go out to my parents house, with the new toll road, I pay, 30cents to get on by my house, 75cents at the new toll road, and another 30 cents to get off the highway by my parents house. THATS MORE THEN I PAID FOR THE GAS GETTING OUT THERE.

At first I thought that they would be taking off the tolls when the roads were paid for. Well as far as I know, they have been paid for about 4-5 times over, and the tolls have increased in price. How cool is that? Seeing as how they have increased the tolls, and added more, I have figured out their  plan. Now, normally one would not see this plan, as it is very well hidden. I actually would not have seen it if I had not had many years of training(3 days) in binary and hex. Tulsa is getting ready to defect. It is forming an effective wall around itself via toll roads. Pike passes are our keys to the city. The Toll roads our boundarys. Pretty soon, I figure the tolls will hike up again, and the first steps of “Piss off we have an aquarium now” plan will begin.

They wish to become their own country. We will be the republic Tollsa, impervios to invasion as our tolls will be so high and we will have so many, it would take them billions of dollars to invade our humble country and take over our aquarium, because of our toll road system. So there you have it. We will soon be our own country, we have an aquarium, phase 3 is underway.

I have not been able to find out as of yet, if we will be a dictatorship, but I imagine we will probably have a king lotoftolls that will reign over us. We will also have tariffs on all our products, we will legalize gambling, and become a tourist country. It’s all part of the master plan. ALL HAIL THE KING OF TOLLS, THE EMPORER HAS NEW SHOES!

Today, we need to talk about pet peeves. Let it be the word for the day. What kind of pet peeves do you have? Hey, I’ll start.

1. THE EXPRESS LANE IS 15 MAXIMUM ITEMS, NOT 20, NOT 18, NOT EVEN 16!! 15 ITEMS, DO YOU SPEAK IT. This has actually just recently become my #1 pet peeve. As before I always had a QT or git-n-go by my house, so I never had to worry about no stupid express lane. As of now, I live at 81st and Yale, all I have is Albertsons, they have express lanes, the express lanes are abused daily and it angers me to no end. Almost everytime I have to go to Albertsons to pick up maximum of 10 items, some retard likes to butt in with 25 items. Yes I count them, to make sure they are under 15 items, they never are.

They are lucky I am such a nice guy, as more then a few times I have played out in my head what should be done to these types of people. Just like in the movies, I would grab their little tote basket with 23.2 items(individual grapes only count as one thing) toss the little blue basket high in the air while grabbing the shirt of the express lane offender, I would then show him the express lane sign and inquire as to his reading abilitys, then I would take him to the scattered pile of his items and make him count them out for me. As he gets to 16, I yell.. THATS TOO MANY ITEMS, for every item over 15. Then I get appluaded by everyone in albertsons, and the manager gives me my 5 items consisting of smokes, dr. pepper, celery, bread, and sausage links, for free. I also get a 5 time go through the express lane with more then 15 items card, which I tear up in front of all the customers saying “THE EXPRESS LANE IS FOR 15 ITEMS ONLY, NO STINKING CARD CAN CHANGE THAT FACT!”  Then I actually get out of my daydream long enough to check out.  Oh, if I could only have it my way.

2. THE FREAKING SQUEEZE THE TOMATOE LADY! Why, on gods green earth, would you have the need to fondle EVERY TOMATOE IN THE BIN? I mean c’mon! Its a good thing I do not like tomatoes as after seeing these women(and sometimes men) fondle and caress and squeeze tomatoes, cantaloupes, peaches, and kiwis, it makes me glad that I normally only eat out and/or eat frozen pizzas. What? Thats not that healthy you say? Well neither is buying fruit that has been handled by members of FFA(Fruit Fondelers Anonymose). Same thing with eggs. People check every egg in the carton, lemme give you a tip, open the carton if you see egg goo, one is broke, if you do not see egg goo, they are all probably ok.

3. Milk maids. Yep, going all the way to the back of the freezer to get the one milk that you believe will expire in 2004 will really help, even though your three hellspawn offspring(who just broke another jar of mayo) will drink it down in 3 days, tops. Its really a good thing that you got milk that would be good for 2 years.

I guess the theme for today, would be in the supermarket pet peeves, not just pet peeves. So carry on, if you wish to voice your pet peeve of the supermarket, hit reply all up top, so everyone can see it not just me. Possibly we can form a super secret commitee to stop the supermarket injustice. Setting up elite super market stations for fighting this evil. We could put them under the guise of the sample boothes. *kkrrrch* Roger wilco, we got a tomatoe squeezer on 2, repeat tomatoe squeezer on 2, bring in the random flatulence guy to drive her away. *krrch*

Hey, it could happen.

ITS FAIR TIME!!

Now is the time for the Tulsa State Fair. A glamourous event that brings all walks of life, from the west side, to the east side, from the north side, yes, even the south side. My tentative schedule at the fair consists of…

1. Beer.
2. Gyro.
3. Beer, Beer.
4. Corn Dog.
5. Beer, beer, beer.
6. Possibly a slice of pizza.
7. Beer, beer, beer, beer.
8. A walk by the AA both to preach about how you should never be a quitter.(ok, slur at them, not preach)
9. Beer.
10. Hamburger.
11. Back to my friends house, he lives off pittsburg. We all sit on his porch and watch people leave.
12. Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, passout.

You are garunteed to see a wide variety of people at the fair. Such as…

1. Mullets, a whole multitude of mullets. Female mullets, male mullets, children mullets. Why this hairstyle has hung on as it has, I have no clue. So if you get bored while at the fair, plz partake in the mullet hunt and see how many you can count. If its less then 10 in 30 minutes, your not trying hard enough.

2. Carnies. Wow, what all can you say about carnies. Some have teeth, others only have 2, and there are those that have none. Always willing to show you how easy their rigged games are, and the ones at the pool table games will gamble with you sometimes. They will cajole your entire earnings away from you, if you take the bait. Keep only about 5 dollars free for games, the rest, spend on beer and food. Either way you look at it you’re spending your money on crap.

3. Look for a large crowd, letting loose with random cheers. This will be the lair of bobo/bozo the clown. DO NOT THROW BALLS FOR THE CLOWN! I cannot stress this enough. Stay for a few minutes, and watch as he advises people of their site disability, their style sense, their parents toupee, it is sometimes ruthless. My tale comes as a freind decided to throw balls for bobo, he didn’t want to be the only one ripped to shreds, so he decided to enlist me to throw as well. 3 balls, for 1 dollar lasts about 30 seconds. The humiliation lasts for about 30 minutes though. I was told I was from california, asked if I could loan my glasses to him so he could use them like a magnifying glass and kill ants. I hit the bell thingy, but I was going for accuracy not strength, so it clanged, but it didn’t send him in the drink. Yeah, that sucked.

Security runs high at the fair, and for good reason. There are bound to be a few fites, from the drunk rednecks arguing about which stock car driver is the best. To the gangsta’s arguing about whos corner is whos to sell crack on. As well as the various teenagers from rival high schools. Yes tension is sometimes high at the fair. I normally just kick back, drink my beer and take it all in.

Oh yes, most of the rides = yuck, not much fun unless you want to throw up. Now the expensive rides, are a totally different story. If they have the ejection seat, I highly recommend it. Its a steel ball, with 2 seats tied to 2 bungee cords. You are pulled down to ground level, sat in the chair, and then realised into oblivion. This, is great fun because you go real high real fast. The adrenaline high that you will recieve from this ride, should last you about an hour.

Ah yes, the fair is a truly wonderful time, full of excitement, food, and most importantly beer. If you goto the fair, have fun, be safe, and try a corn dog.

The fair aftermath.

Well Ladies and gentlemen, for me, this weekend was all about the fair. From its gyros, to its corndogs, to the 32oz beerz, the fair was in full force. Most of the time, you just go and eat and go home, this year I learned a few things.

1. Is that the creepy midway games are now 2 dollars. What ever happened to the 1 dollar games, I mean I know inflation sucks and all, but my god. Quite possibly, these prices have been this high for quite some time, I just never noticed. Everyone seems to accept this though, as I saw many a mark being seperated from his/her 2 dollars. The fair loves a drunk, especially a drunk that is going to spend 2 dollars to try and climb up some rickety ladder. Sweet jesus, earn some balance you retards. I mean I saw people trying to climb on this thing, DID NOT EVEN MAKE IT PAST THE FIRST RUNG. Now, I can see that it is difficult, I can see that once you get kind of high up, its rickety, but please make it past the first rung. It’s just like the first step, and the go *step* *wiggle* *fall* *giggle*. Seeing this, I believe I actually shed a tear. Poor poor drunk people.

2. Turkey legs Turkey legs Turkey legs. I remember, when there was only one stand that sold turkey legs, it took 2 hours to get to the front of the line, and it was the only place in the whole fair with turkey legs. I feel it makes you enjoy more, it’s a worth the wait type of thing. This year, Turkey legs EVERYWHERE. Someone finally caught on and opened more then one turkey leg booth, too bad 27 others also caught on, and opened their own turkey leg booths. Yes, this year, the Turkey leg competition was fierce. I got a corn dog.

3. They need a layout for the fair, that they will use from here until eternity. I mean, my booze addled brain cannot come to terms with the fact that bobo the clown is not in the exact same spot as last year. It took me 3 drunken hours to find him last year, and this year they move him? What the hell. So I propose that they get a layout and NEVER CHANGE IT AGAIN. So as not to confuse the drunks. Never did find bobo this year.

4. More fair fun. Go by yourself, or with only one other person. If you want to do anything that you actually want to do. Now having friends come is nice, and everyone has a good time, but things get confusing. You have to keep track of the group, stop 15000 times for bathroom breaks, beer refills, this person wants one thing, this one wants another. Alot of needless walking ensues, due to going in a group. As well as you can’t just take off and go do your own thing when you want to, you always have to consider the group. My advice to you, again, go alone, or just take one person. It will be immensly more enjoyable. Save the group gatherings for the bar.

Yeah, ate alot, got real drunk and had a good time. Even though I never did find bobo.

Our world of automated responses.

When we first hear the chime “caller” or other message, we run through our line of hello how can I help you, normally we are greeted with “Hi, I’m monica hampsher and I am from the office in watunga new mexico employee #555332 my measurements include 36,24,36 and I like skiing, hiking, moonlite nights, and turkey sausage”. Why, in the hell, would I need all of this information? Its an automated response, we have the EU’s trained so far, to rattle off at the start of the call any information that they might think is relevant in order to help us do our jobs.

Even though we don’t care, they will provide any information that we desire, because we are tech support, we are the rulers of their world of computer talk and help, we are the ones who will fix their caps lock issues, we will explain the delicate intricacys of ISP things and how to get to the free online casino. As far as they know, we rule the interweb, we control it, and if they are not nice and do not provide any information whatsoever, we might just turn off the internet. Then how would they get their tech support?

Other information that is an automated response, that we really never ever need…

Tech: Can I get your username for the tunnel please?
Eu: Gator64.
Tech: Urm, thats your password WHICH YOU SHOULD NEVER TELL ANYONE, NOT EVEN ME, Or they will turn off your internet.
Eu: Oh noes! Sorry about that, the username is iamnotsmart.
Tech: Thanks.

Tech: Can I get your area code?
Eu: 74136
Tech: Thats your area code????
Eu: Uhhhhhhhh(Drooling sounds *drip*)
Tech: I need your AR-E-A CO-DE.
Eu: Oh, 918.

Also I like when they make jokes, really dumb jokes. I wonder if it is in our contract to give a courtesy laugh to these, such as the call I just received…

Tech: Hi thanks for calling, how can I help you?
Eu: Hi this is John, I’m from San Antonio, and I like socks, toga partys, and cleaning the kitchen when its really really dirty.
Tech: ooookay, how can I help you today?
Eu: Well I’m trying to get into this program thingy, I have a dell attitude(signifigant pause waiting for me to laugh. I don’t laugh) sooooo, its [program] and my manager has to approve it or something.
Tech: Its ok, here we are the helpdesk and we are immune to your stupid jokes, I will now transfer you to the other help desk and maybe one of their technological black holes will laugh at your joke, as well as help you with [program], thank you.

I like ice cream and apple pie too.

I am late. Always.

Every since I was little, I have been late. Late to school, late to work, late to just about everything imaginable. I still am. Now I have developed a theory though, and I believe it works out rather well.

In July of 1972, my mother was due to have a child(me). July passed, and my mother figured that this was not a baby that she had, but probably some glandular disorder and she would be like this forever, what a bummer. Later on, she would figure out, that she really was pregnant(with me) and actually produce a shiny bright red baby boy. I was a month late. The doctors advised that I was all super red due to “being in the oven too long” I don’t think my mom laughed at that joke. Due to the cimcumstances.

So every since that time, I have been trying to regain that month back. It started with school, 8:00 am was way way to early for me to even consider wanting to goto school. Nevermind that I was up with no problem at 6:00 am saturdays to watch cartoons, my monday through friday consisted of “JASON, GET OUT OF BED NOW AND GET READY FOR SCHOOL, YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE!” for all of my school days I believe.

Let’s continue. Well ole Jason goes out and gets himself a job. Yeah, I do good for the first few months, then it sets in. The need for lateness. Believe me, I do not try to be late, I try to be ontime. It never helps. I can get up at 6:00 in the morning, to be here by 10:00, I would still be late. It’s something I cannot help, and just try to accept. As I get older, I find it easier to be on time, maybe I am almost caught up to my month of lateness. Or not. If I have to be here at 7, I will arrive at 7:05. If I have to be here at 9:30, I will arrive at (9:38), and so on and so forth. I am always late.

All my friends, when we make plans, will tell me to meet them about an hour before hand, as they know I will be late. It’s just par for the course. Possibly someday I will finally catch up, and my tardiness will be resolved. For now though, I am in an endless loop of tardy. Under a spell of lateness that I am slowly trying to break. With any luck, it will all come out with a big boom, and tardiness shall be erased from my life forever. Or not.

line

An EU’s morning.

In the midst of all this dark, one of my 4 brain cells kicks to life, wondering what that infernal noise is. It takes a bit to register but I figure out that it would be coming from my alarm clock, which is now cranking out brittney spears tunes at a volume so high my cats ears are bleeding. I like Brittney, and she is cute, whoooo. After turning off the alarm, I  take careful measures to avoid the puddle of drool that I have left on my pillow, I should really invest in rubber pillow cases. Oof, it doesn’t smell that good at all, I probably should have brushed my teeth.

Ok I am up an at em, ready to log into the microsoft and get my e:mails. Aww jeez, my computer is so slow, I wonder when they are going to give us new computers. Well, I got time to make some coffee, hehe I could probably make coffee and drink the whole pot because its soooo slow haha, I am the king of wit. Whoooo shiny things, pretty, oh those are spoons. What am I doing? Oh yeah, coffee, my computer is slow.

Ok, coffee is on, oh look a password box. Windows log on, whats my password for this… oh I remember its 2 because thats how many toes I have after that weed eater accident. Wow its still sooo slow, its like molassas, haha I crack myself up.hhuuurrkk(this sound is followed by about 5 minutes of glazed over eyes and drooling). Oh yeah, I’m getting my e:mails. Ok, lets get into qwest. Yay, its connecting automatically, I’m connected. Ok now lets try to get into outlook. What? Exchange server not available!! I NEED MY E:MAIL, awww man those slackers at tech support turned off the internet on me, jeez.

Going to have to call tech support now.

ring ring

Tech: Hi, thank you for calling the Help desk my name is Jason. How can I help you today.
Eu: YOU GUYS TURNED OFF THE MICROSOFT AND I CANNOT GET E:MAIL!
Tech: I’m sorry, what seems to be your issue?
Eu: I get up this morning and now my outlookinternet is not working, are you guys having problems?
Tech: No sir, not that I know of, can I get the exact error message that you are getting?
Eu: It don’t work.
Tech: “It don’t work” is the error message you are getting?
Eu:(sigh)grumble grumble, so many things to remember, gosh all these passwords, it says could not access your exchanger serviscer.
Tech: Ok sir, are you on the dialer and VPN at this time?
Eu: I’m on dialer, thats all I need right??
Tech: No sir, you need to be on your VPN as well.
Eu: (brain cells desparatly trying to grasp what the tech is talking about, OVERLOAD, OVERLOAD ABORT MISSION, GO WATCH CARTOOONS) Oh yeah, VPN. Where is that?
Tech: What? Its on your desktop, the VPN icon.
Eu: OH yeah ok that, why do we have to have so many passwords?? Its hard to remember, whooo shiny things…. oh thats just the power light.
Tech: Well sir, you work at a bank, if they made it easy to get into then everyone could get into it.
Eu: Oh, that makes sense.
Tech: I’m sure it doesn’t, but lie to me all you want about knowing what your talking about, thanks.(This was not the real reply.)
Eu: Ok thanks I will log into that.
Tech: OK have a nice day.

At this point, my brain cells shut down, the overload of information has sent me into a coma like state, one where I should probably be spoon feed oatmeal and shown bugs bunny reruns. This lasts for around 20 minutes, in which time I lose my connection to qwest.

Zuh? What was I doing?? Oh yeah, connect to the tunnel for microsoft webpage. Whats this?!?! Unknown host? This is crazy!!! THOSE DUMB TECHNICIANS FLIPPED THE SWITCH AGAIN I CANNOT GET INTO MY PROGRAMS!

Tech: Hi, thank you for calling the Help desk my name is Jason. How can I help you today.
Eu: HEY SMARTY MAN, I CAN’T GET INTO MY VPN!!
Tech: Oh hey, brain cells start firing again so you figured you would call back in?
Eu: Yep, now it will not let me into VPN!!
Tech: Whats the error message you are receiving?
Eu: (drool, critical synapses misfire, help needed) It don’t work.
Tech: Thats the error message?
Eu: yeah.
Tech: Sir, that cannot be the error message, read to me whats on your screen.
Eu: Oh, it says, tunnel trigati could not connect, unknown host.
Tech: Sir, are you connected to qwest?
Eu: OF COURSE I’M CONNECTED TO DIALER ITS RIGHT…. oh, I’m not connected to qwest.
Tech: Riiiiiiight, ok then buh bye now.

After hanging up, I notice a burning smell, this takes about 5 minutes to register as my brain cells are still aruguing about how to get back into qwest. Burning smell > Fire > smoke > probably a bad thing. I then notice that I left on the coffee pot and it has shorted out and caught fire. Whooooo pretty lights, oooo they flicker and stuff. DING DING, oh yeah, fire bad, run now get out. I grab my cell phone, pda, laptop, cup of coffee, some tape, a few bills, my checkbook, make a bowl of cereal, get out the card table and chair so I can sit on something and put my bowl of cereal on, and a hat. After going outside and setting everything up, I call the fire department. Oh shit, I forgot the cat. I bravely rush back inside and get fiffy saving her from the fire.The firemen when they got there advised that it was just the candle that I had lit. Sheesh, I really hate it when this happens. Stupid 4th time this freaking month. Firemen say they are going to charge me next time.

I now go sit in front of the tv, watch cartoons and drool. Until the next installment.

Farts.

Now on my way home for lunch today, I was visited by mr. car fart. Whoa, Car farts are not fun especially on hot days, as it seems to cook the said poot and turn it extra aromatic. Now, have you ever noticed that it always seems ok to smell your own farts. I mean cmon, you ate it now you have to smell it. They never really seem that bad, or at least mine smell like roses.

Now when someone else farts, be it loud, or silent and then they inform you about it. Most people will hold their nose, or make some other gesture of “I’m not smelling that”. What you do not see though, is that even if they are holding their nose, one nostril will remain somewhat open, in the sick desire to see if your fart actually compares with their own flatulence. Most of the time it does not, as your farts stink and mine still smell like roses. I’m sure you feel the same way.

The worst fart I have ever witnessed would have had to be at the old Tulsa Billiard Palace. I was skipping school(imagine that) with a friend, and we were playing pool. Someone, we never figured out who, let one go. Now I am hard pressed to put the magnitude of this fart into text. This was the single most horrifying smell I have ever encountered. More then a few nose hairs were burnt out of my nostrils, the assualt of the smell watered my eyes, and burnt the felt on the pool table. People cried, an evacuation was planned, in the end the horror lasted about 5 minutes, then I believe it escaped out the back door to freak out the neighborhood behind the palace. Never have I smelled such a thing, and I wish to never be revisted by what I can only describe as the WORST. BEERFART. EVER.

Now when out in public, sometimes you just gotta let go, I mean its fresh air, its windy, no one will notice. You squeeze one out, no one is the wiser, until you find out that it is following you. It stays with you like a black sheep follows the shepard. I hate those kinds.

Elevators, or other enclosed spaces. I personally live for a toot in the elevator. I like it when no one is in the elevator and you can let one go and then leave, knowing that the next person in will be repulsed/blamed for said offence. What fun.

All in all, its a body function that is found humorous by many, it just doesn’t always smell that great. Maybe my next update should be about boogers. Hrm.

Leave a comment